A plea to the ones I love...

Three things I don't want to hear from you:

I love you
Thank you
I'm sorry

Don't tell me you love me if it comes with a promise or an agenda.
Don't thank me with any feelings of obligation or indebtedness.
Don't tell me you're sorry as if I was expecting anything more.

Be with me if you will;
walk away if you must

I want no chains.
I want no guilt.
and I want no regrets, mine or yours.

Do not cling to me.
Do not give me more than your truth.

Fear of Incompetence

The waves crash in on me. The fear of being found out that I don't belong here, there, wherever I happen to be. The fear of being less than interesting, less than fascinating. Am I as intelligent as I think I am? The fear that I have nothing to give, nothing to contribute, paralyzes me on a regular basis.

I am not the kind, gentle, doting, caring wife, mother, friend, daughter, etc... I've learned to face that. I've come to accept that. I no longer hate myself for it. My value is in helping them to think. Helping them to be independent. Helping them to not need me.

I have nothing at all to give to anyone other than my ability to see the possibilities, make connections in people and things, and learn as much as I can about everything so I can teach them what I have learned. Competence is extremely important to me. It is my strength and it is my weakness.

It drives me and it knocks me down. Again and again... and again...

Trying to make sense of it all

Ahhhh... It's good to come back to a place where I don't have to put up a front... where I don't have to act tough... where I don't have to worry about grammatical errors, my reputation, or sounding smart. It's good to have a place where I can just be... well, just BE.

And let myself feel... hurt... cry...

My uncle recently died of pancreatic cancer. I had only met him once before, nine years ago. He only lived about 90 minutes away from where I am. We went there to visit him about two weeks after he was diagnosed. Just like our first meeting, I felt an instant connection. I felt that I had more in common with him than anyone else in my family. Strange... He is my mother's half brother. They have a fascinating story to tell. They grew up in Korea. First in North Korea, then in Seoul, after Korea gained independence from Japan. Their father, my grandfather, was a doctor. Shortly before the Korean war, he traveled to China to take care of his father's estate after he passed away. My great-grandfather supposedly was a prominent businessman in China (owned a tobacco company?) who was said to have been a good friend of Chiang Kai-shek. - Close enough to have used his private airplane for business trips (not sure if that's true but fun to tell nevertheless).

While my grandfather was in China, the Korean War broke out, and the family never saw him again. My uncle was 11.

My uncle worked at Disneyland for a while as an electrician when he was younger. He was friends with Pat Morita, the Japanese actor. He seemed quite proud of that part of his life. He moved to Virgina some time ago, and settled there. He has three sons, my cousins whom I do not know. I met two of them at the house that day.

As I was standing there holding his hand, with tears running down his face, I promised myself I will get to know him better. I wanted to visit him often and ask him the endless questions that were swirling in my head about where we came from. He looked as though he could possibly recover.

Less than a month later, he's dead. I never got to visit him again. We didn't even get to go to his funeral, as they somehow could not get a hold of us - my parents' phone was out of order for two weeks.

My mom sat down with me after we visited him that day and told me their story as she remembered it. It broke my heart.

I wanted to write his story of being sent away by his mother at age 6, having to endure rejection from his new family, always being misunderstood as the problem child, being blamed for his first wife's death in an auto accident, having so many talents and gifts, his inability to believe in God, and being shunned and criticized by Christians. He was always cheerful, gregarious, great fun to be with... he was loved by many in public, but none of them completely accepted him. He lived a life of loneliness.

When we saw him, he said, "I have so many regrets. I wanted to live to be 83, because I heard that's how long my father had lived in China. I wanted to be just like him. It doesn't look like I'll make it." When I heard these words, I sensed that my uncle longed for his father all of his life. He was 69.

Good-bye, Uncle Chung-gil... I've only known you very briefly, but I did feel connected to you. You are loved, respected, and remembered... by your family that you loved.. and the rest of your family that should have gotten to know you.




_____________________________
Image credit: Don Hong-Oai

First Day of Football Practice

This seems like it was yesterday… First day of kindergarten.



Then suddenly, it’s first day of high school football practice. Wait… wait… wait another moment before you go…



Was it only last year that my son and I laid on our back deck in the middle of the night looking for shooting stars?

Just a few days ago, I was trying to remember when the last time was that he came tiptoeing into our bedroom in the middle of the night and quietly tapped me on the shoulder, being very careful not to wake his father.

“I’m scared, Mommy,” he would whisper into my ear. I remember being worried that he would never grow out of this habit. I’d walk him back to his bed and hold him until he fell asleep.

But when was the last time? I tried so hard to recall, but I could not remember. Has it been 5 years? 6 years? If I would’ve known it was going to be the last time, I would have made a point to fully breathe in the experience.

How does it happen? How do we get so sucked up by our everyday routine, that our children go from this



To this


In the blink of an eye?

I do have one memory on video, though:

I’m holding the camera. K is 4. M is 2. We’re getting ready for Halloween.

I say, “Hello… K and M! Say something to the camera!”

K says, “Hi Mommy, I love you all the way up to the moon!”

I say, “Why, thank you, K! I love you more.”

Then M says, “um…umm… I, I wuv you way up… Tars!”

His fuzzy head with his hair sticking straight up. I can almost smell his hair now...

Slow Posting

Although I don't want to completely give up this blog, I have been spending a lot of time over at my new one.

I will be back here from time to time when I get tired of all the thinking and I really need to "feel."

But for now, please come and see me over at MindBlink.org.

Myth of Understanding (Part II)

Being misunderstood (or myth-understood, as I call it) has to be one of the most frustrating things in life for me.

Perhaps it's because I keep putting myself out there. For whatever reason, I have been repeatedly finding myself in the position of public scrutiny and feeling very vulnerable. As I am in a constant state of change and growth, what people see played out in front of them is not always the true picture of me. It's the transformation process that they see, not the finished product.

I have to admit that many people are very open-minded, patient, and understanding, even empathetic. But they are not the ones who my thoughts go to.

I often find myself obsessing over those few close-minded types, those who cannot fathom anything beyond their own narrow perception... those who pass judgment on others who they do not agree with... those who do not even want to try to understand another's point of view.

They are definitely the minority in my life, yet they somehow end up getting the majority of my attention. Is that even fair? Being the perfectionist that I am (irritatingly so), I do tend to focus more on the negative than the positive. I am putting these thoughts in writing in hopes of being done with this once and for all...

To all those (the few) who have misjudged me... to those who have no interest in working toward an understanding...

I am moving on. I have no more time to dwell on your close-mindedness. I have no more energy to waste in continuing to make my appeal. I am letting go and setting you free. (You may choose to come back and take another look -- my door is always wide open.)

Instead, I choose to put my focus on the positive... the abundance of light. I will no longer take the love and acceptance I receive for granted. Instead of chasing after those who run away, I choose to fully embrace the ones who are not afraid to stand by me.

I dedicate this post to those who take me the way I am...
...................

The Way I Am (Ingrid Michaelson)

If you were falling, then I would catch you.
You need a light, I'd find a match.

Cuz I love the way you say good morning.
And you take me the way I am.

If you are chilly, here take my sweater.
Your head is aching, I'll make it better.

Cuz I love the way you call me baby.
And you take me the way I am.

I'd buy you Rogaine if you start losing all your hair.
Sew on patches to all you tear.

Cuz I love you more than I could ever promise.
And you take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.
You take me the way I am.





____________________________
Image Credit:
Michael Levin

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What A Ride!!

This past month has been such a roller-coaster ride. Enough of a thrill that I can honestly say that if I have too many more of them, I don't know if my heart can hold out. Geesh!

One part of this thrilling ride was the new passion I've discovered. I taugt the fourth and final lesson of my very first MBTI workshop last night, ending with a very emotional closing statement which was in response to a very rude and matter-of-fact remark by someone (whose identity will remain anonymous).

I have always claimed that honesty is all I ask for. But...wow!... getting what I asked for really caught me off guard.. Nervertheless, I still stand by my philosophy that even the negative can turn out to be positive. If there's a lesson to be learned from it, then it is ultimately good... right?
C'mon... nod along with me!! :-)

If it weren't for the remark, I wouldn't have written the heartfelt statement for the perfect closing. It all worked out in the end, and I have no hard feelings...

.........................

"Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)"

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

CAVATINA

Remember this piece from the movie "Deer Hunter"?



Simply beautiful...

Breathing Exercise

Escaping for a moment to the countryside of southern France...



______________________
Image:
Lee Chai

Good-bye, Little One

There was a life. We had waited so long for you. We had hopes and dreams for you. We thought of names for you. But it was not meant to be...

Good-bye...good-bye, little one. You were one of us and gave us joy for two months. We will remember you always...

The spotting started yesterday and became heavy this morning. My sister called on her way to the hospital.

We're all trying desperately to be strong, but torn and bleeding ... oh so privately. Always, always privately. My family...












_____________________
Image:
Life Choice Care Center

Dreams-Reality-Change...Clarity

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~






____________________________________
Images:
Gallery-Santa Fe
David Ho
Don Hong Oai

The Prince(s) in My Life

I am almost back to my usual bouncy self. I realized that I am surrounded by people who do really care. I am not that alone or misunderstood. That had always been my misconception. I am a dreamer by nature. Sometimes when I get caught up in my always colorful but often unrealistic/idealistic imaginations, I tend to ignore that which has been given to me and find myself searching the abyss for... something that cannot be found. It hit me like a ton of bricks very early this morning.

I thought about the men that have made a huge impact in my life in the recent months. And why is it that on a deeper level, I can relate better to men than women? Now, that is a mystery to me...

"Ride with the motion of the ocean," my friend Chuck said to me. He's a brilliant man, a member of Mensa, but why can't I get him to understand grace? Or does he? We have to agree to disagree on some things. But still, he does teach me so much through his books and our long lunches. So Chuck, if you're reading this... I usually agree with you more than disagree with you, even though it may not seem so in our conversations. I guess I owe you another lunch. ;-)

And Ron, my pastor... always encouraging, always supportive, always understanding, always thinking... What a gift he has in bringing out the best in people. What devotion he has to his ministry... a struggling fellowship. He makes me want to work my butt off to support him. He teaches (not preaches) grace and freedom... which translates as unconditional love of Christ. He teaches by example. He saves lives. I can honestly say he saved mine by pointing to the open door of my cage and telling me I can fly. I know Ron won't be reading this, but still... I have to say it out loud.

Then there's Richard. He's my breathing coach. When I'm gasping for air, he's always there, guiding me... breathing with me... gently pacing me... With absolutely no agenda. I keep accusing him (in my mind) of being a Christian, because he practices grace like no other. But he says he's an atheist. Richard, just because you have a different name for what you do, it doesn't change the thing that it is. These are your own words: "We are what we do.".. Who gives a flying hoot what we call it? All I know is that you do it better than anyone else I know.

And lastly, but not leastly, there is my husband. Quiet, dutiful, calm, un-noticed, but always present. If my passion defines me, his strength and devotion defines him. Who am I to say that's not what I need? I often rebel, kick and scream... but the truth of the matter is, he is exactly what and who makes it possible for me to fly. He gives me freedom and trust. He allows and accepts (even encourages) my need to have the above men in my life, not to mention the countless others who I come in contact with constantly in my blogging life. He chooses to trust me. What other husband does that? He understands that he has his limitations and I have mine. He also will never read this, because blogging (or thinking) is definitely not his thing... But I needed to say this out loud as well.

I am a fool if I were to forget these truly wonderful gifts (among others) and take any of them for granted in my quest for... the Neverland, which obviously does not exist. The truth is... I already am a part of the kingdom - I am a princess... Yes, I am. :-)

Useless Pieces of Furniture... Yep.

It has been a rough week. Whew! I am so glad that life seems to be getting back to somewhat normal... whatever that means... It must be the heat. This 100 degree heat with suffocating humidity we're having in Virginia is enough to drive anyone over the edge, don't you think? Yikes!

My husband's new toys arrived today... a pair of Final electrostatic speakers as tall as me. I swear, I come head to head with them! Now why on earth do we need such intimidating pieces of...umm, furniture? They are not even worthy of that title, because you certainly can't sit on them, can you?

Okay... I'll admit they sound pretty darn good. Very crisp, clear, with lots of..."definition"? Is that the term he used...? Oh well. There you have it. I would have rather gone for a weekend in New York City for that money, but who's counting?

I am soooooo getting my telescope that I've been dreaming about. That's all I've gotta say...

Thoughts on Love

The More Loving One
by W. H. Auden

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

__________________________________
Image:
NASA Astronomy Picture of the Day

Myth of Understanding

Who can possibly see the world the way I do? Who can possibly understand my words and my heart? The one that gives me life... breath... spirit... resides in me, and yet I cannot be whole as long as I still have me. While I exist as me amidst this world, the longing also exists...

We are humans. We are, after all, only humans...


DEAR FRIENDS

Dear friends, reproach me not for what I do,
Nor counsel me, nor pity me; nor say
That I am wearing half my life away
For bubble-work that only fools pursue.
And if my bubbles be too small for you,
Blow bigger then your own:—the games we play
To fill the frittered minutes of a day,
Good glasses are to read the spirit through.

And whoso reads may get him some shrewd skill;
And some unprofitable scorn resign,
To praise the very thing that he deplores:—
So friends (dear friends), remember, if you will,
The shame I win for singing is all mine,
The gold I miss for dreaming is all yours.

~ Edwin Arlington Robinson
________________________________
Image:
Gino-Caron.com

Who, Me?

I am now qualified as an MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) Specialist. I attended a week-long workshop and passed the qualifying test. I introduced the program to my church yesterday, along with my newly written testimony on how I became a believer. I will be teaching a four-week workshop (1-2 hours once a week).

WAIT!! REWIND! Did I say that I spoke in front of a group of people? Moi? And willingly? And also shared my testimony? A few years ago, even six months ago, it would have been unthinkable. I used to fear public speaking more than death. What has happened to me? After the initial few minutes, the fear disappeared. It even felt good. I got a rush. Wow.

I never knew this about myself.

I know this will sound corny and all... But I really truly believe it is the work of the Holy Spirit. Whenever fear starts to grip me, I lean harder into my faith in Christ, meaning that I let go of trying to control things and just jump, with my eyes on him. And then suddenly, I'm not afraid of falling. The freedom in that is almost impossible to describe...

Go ahead! Roll your eyes at me. :-)
_______________________________
Image:
Yvonne Feavearyear, Artist

Chinese Poetry

My mother gave this to me about ten years ago and told me to hang it up on a wall. She didn't know what the words meant, but she said, "It's done by someone famous... it's worth some money." I didn't hang it, as I needed to know what it meant before I did anything with it.

I recently met a man named George, who is Taiwanese and studies Chinese calligraphy. I took this picture and brought it to him to see if he could tell me the meaning of the words.

Apparently, it is poetry that was most likely written by a monk. He couldn't translate it exactly, but he said, "It is about the motion of the ocean waves exposing the rocks and the corals underneath."
I love that! I can now hang it with pride. :)

I have written my own version of the poem in English with the same idea in mind:

The waves of the sea
The rough and the calm
The beauty of change
Never standing still

Beneath the movement
Rocks and corals lie
Steady and quiet
Exposed by the dance

No Agenda

A friend who loves without agenda...
The claim that seems too good to be true

As humans we long to be fulfilled
by all those we come to encounter

If one honestly ventures within
There's some satisfaction to be gained

However small, it can't be denied...
We reach out to touch and to be touched

My Dog Boo

I have a dog named Boo. She’s a pain in the neck. I originally adopted her to get over my loneliness when we first moved to the town that we live in. I wanted a lap dog. A dog that would cuddle with me anytime I wanted her to. But she’s not very cuddly. What good is a lap dog if the dog doesn’t like your lap? She likes food, though. She will sit on my lap and stay there as long as I have food in my hand or somewhere nearby. So her lap sitting is conditional. I don’t like her very much. I think she knows this somehow. But what can I do? She’s just a dog.

Every morning, when I’m getting ready to take the kids to school (because they are too lazy to take the bus – but that’s another issue for another post), Boo sits by the door and looks up at me as if to say, “Can I go, too? Please, oh please?” She has that look on her face like she will love me forever and will do anything for me. She looks at me as if it’s her one last dying wish. Every morning, she does this to me. And every morning, I fall for it. And besides, who am I to deny an animal’s last dying wish? I don’t think she’s caught on yet there’s not a paradise that awaits her at the end of the car ride. But everyday, it’s as if she thinks today will be somehow different. The joy that exudes from her the moment I say, “Okay, you can come,” is priceless.

She truly knows how to live in that moment -- the moment when she believes that her greatest wish had been granted. Then, when we return home,the rest of the day is very uneventful. It’s the same old boring and monotonous life for her. But she has that one moment each day… that one moment of sheer joy and excitement that is indescribable. In that moment, I truly envy a dog.

Freedom and Uncertainty

My lips part to say something
But the words do not come

I open my eyes to see the way
I see no signs; only unmarked paths

I look back and see the darkness
The staleness of where I had been

The road ahead holds no promises
Only that tomorrow always comes

I crawled out and spread my wings
My wings flutter but am I in flight?

Is there complete freedom in love?
Is there absolute freedom from fear?


A friend told me that we need to let go of three things to be truly free: Desire to have, Fear to lose, and the Need to change. Is that kind of freedom even humanly possible?

I finally have a product!

I have been working on designing a postcard to distribute in an attempt to promote our church, and I finally have a product. We'll print them on Monday. To those of you who gave me helpful and insightful feedback, thank you, thank you, and thank you!!

Vincent and Me

Anyone who's felt like an outcast at some point in their life can identify with this song.

Listen to the words...

Autumn in my backyard

This is the amazing view from which I write...


And I am very much looking forward to this:

My Beloved New York

It is confirmed!! Kasey and I are going back to New York to revisit Broadway. We have tickets to Spring Awakening again. We will be sitting very close to the stage and being "spit on" by Jonathan Groff. I thought it was a bit strange at first, but I have since learned that's a sign of good acting. Go figure!

I love New York City, because there, I can be somebody, anybody, and nobody all at the same time... and no one cares. No one thinks I'm crazy. I love the smell of the sidewalks in the morning. I love the Russian speaking peanut vendors. I love the Greek coffee shops. I love the pizzerias where one slice of pizza is big enough to feed the two of us. I love the hearts underneath the cold, hard looks on the faces of the doormen. I love the way their faces suddenly light up when I smile warmly at them. I love the musicians in the subways. I try to buy each of their CDs. I love the lights of Times Square.

December... New York City in December is indescribable.

You can't make this stuff up!

Ever since I came across the Latin phrase RES IPSA LOQVITVR a few weeks ago which means "the thing that speaks for itself," I've been trying to live my life by it.

To me, the phrase means truth, honesty, transparency, and presenting myself just the way I am with no holds barred. This has led to many rejections, as most people cannot handle all of me, nor can they handle the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth... But I march on, knowing that I fully trust who drives my heart.

Then a couple days ago (it seems forever ago), I met someone on another blog that has a phrase of his own. His phrase that he tries to live by is SAPERE AUDE, which means "dare to think," or "think for yourself." The awesomeness of this connection was more than I can describe.

I closed my eyes and absorbed the new phrase. To me, it stands for freedom and having the courage to think freely. It means staying true to what speaks to my heart directly from the source of Truth itself.

As I am a huge fan of the number three, which means "fullness" to me, I began to wonder if there is a third phrase out there somewhere. (I try to find meaning in everything, every single speck of dust, and certain numbers are important to me. The number seven means "perfection." God created the world in seven days, and He rested on the seventh day when He saw it was perfect. As I mentioned before, the number three means "fullness." It means Trinity. It means the fullness of God. The number ten, which is the sum of seven and three, means "completion." Perfection + Fullness = Completion. Completion x Fullness = 1,000 years [perhaps?] I'm still trying to figure out what the number 12 could mean.)

Then this morning, as I was reading a new book called "Seeds for the Soul," written by an author who has become a good friend after many correspondence with him, I found the third phrase written in the introduction:

NON SEQUITUR. I think it is more known than the other phrases. I've heard of it before, but I didn't know what it meant. This is what I found:

non se·qui·tur

Pronunciation:
\ˈnän-ˈse-kwə-tər also -ˌtu̇r\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Latin, it does not follow
Date:
1540

1: an inference that does not follow from the premises;specifically : a fallacy resulting from a simple conversion of a universal affirmative proposition or from the transposition of a condition and its consequent 2: a statement (as a response) that does not follow logically from or is not clearly related to anything previously said.

AND THEN I FOUND THIS LESS KNOWN MEANING:

Non sequiturs often appear to be disconnected or random comments, or random changes in subject, especially socially inappropriate ones. When non sequiturs are used frequently for comic effect this can be called "absurd humor". The non sequitur can be understood as the converse of cliché. Traditional comedy and drama can depend on the ritualization and predictability of human emotional experiences, where the theatre of the absurd uses disjunction and unpredictability.

Then I KNEW this is my third phrase! I fits perfectly!

I have been holding dear to my heart a few quotes that I have found in the last two years:

I have contradicted myself, in order to avoid conforming to my own taste.
~ Marcel Duchamp

We are obliged to create our own language because there are dimensions to ourselves absent from clichés, which require us to flout etiquette in order to convey with greater accuracy the distinctive timbre of our thought.
~ Alaine de Botton

We are in the habit of giving to what we feel a form of expression which differs so much from, and which we nevertheless after a little time take to be, reality itself.
~ Marcel Proust

Our vanity, our passions, our spirit of imitation, our abstract intelligence, our habits have long been at work, and it is the task of art to undo this work of theirs, making us travel back in the direction from which we have come to the depths where what has really existed lies unknown within us.
~ Marcel Proust

How amazing is that? The phrase fits right in with these quotes. To me, the phrase means non-conformity. It means the opposite of "cliche."

PERFECT!!!!

So is this a coincidence? I think not!